


Just A Little Longer

by mansikka



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Sad Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-06
Packaged: 2019-11-12 20:45:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18018140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Magnus is lost without his magic and doesn't know how to talk to Alec about it.





	Just A Little Longer

He's going to say something about him pulling away again, Magnus knows Alec will. Magnus busies himself putting on the robe he keeps here in Alec's bedroom, bracing as Alec rearranges himself on the bed behind him.

It's not like he's been avoiding all intimacy with Alec. Ever since he saw him sprawled out with that arrow piercing the literal life from him, all Magnus can think of when he looks at Alec is _need_. Which is how they tend to look at one another anyway; from their very beginning, neither one of them seems to be able to get enough of one another. Magnus has no complaints there, and is fairly sure from what they've just enjoyed together Alec doesn't either.

But this isn't what this is about. And as he slots his rings back onto his fingers Magnus is on tenterhooks waiting for the moment he'll have to avoid a _discussion_. He can feel Alec watching him, tension crackling up his spine for his every anticipated word. But even without magic Magnus is good at subterfuge, has centuries of careful practice avoiding things he doesn't want to say or do. In minutes he's safe in Alec's bathroom having shared a part of his fears with some sweet, honest words, and kept those he needs to remain hidden firmly behind his walls so he doesn't reveal too much.

Alec knows, of course. Magnus stares at his reflection in the mirror begging with himself that he stop shutting Alec out, yet he can only picture Alec's disappointment every time he pulls away. Every time Alec reaches out with affection, every time he tries to hold him, Magnus has to be elsewhere. Because if he doesn't move he will sink into his arms and really let himself break like he's fighting not to, and when that happens, well. He's not sure Alec will want him at all.

He doesn't want _himself_ anymore. Doesn't want to be in this inert body, feel nothing but _him_ beneath his skin. It's like he's in a hollow chamber and all Magnus can feel rattling around it is his failures and faults. Or maybe _he_ is the hollow chamber and he's never had any substance inside. How can he ever make Alec understand what this has done to him, losing his magic, without seeming nothing but selfish and self-absorbed?

He needs Alec. Magnus knows without a doubt no one has loved him in his very long life quite like Alec does. Every time he's tested Alec — unintentionally; it's not _his_ fault who his father is, or that certain memories make him clam up or lash out if unleashed — all he has seen staring back at him is unwavering love. Alec accepts him, loves him, doesn't judge him, takes Magnus exactly as he is. And that is the problem now. Magnus isn't sure who he is anymore.

Alec keeps telling him he is more than his magic. Magnus wishes he believed it. For all of his life since the very moment he first felt it firing along his synapses, magic has been his life force, his essence, and _everything_ that he is. It's what has drawn people to him over the years in fascination, greed, and often exploitation. And it's what people have sought out for healing, wisdom, and guidance. It's like the magic is him but is the better part of him, and now that he doesn't have it anymore, well, who is he?

Is he the man practically bouncing on the balls of his feet to get around an art gallery and see every exhibit, aching for the way Alec is practically running to try to keep up yet not able to pause? Or is he the man wanting to feed his boyfriend this beautiful food he can't even taste at the moment, that he can barely swallow for the constriction of his throat? Is he the man who is both thankful that Alec still looks to him for guidance, still includes him in things at the Institute, even though he doesn't have to now that he has so little to give? Or is he this man who frantically paces Alec's bedroom as he, Jace, and Luke go to Paris to look for Clary, through a portal that _he_ hasn't conjured? Truly, Magnus doesn't know who, or what he is.

Clary being back hasn't helped, hasn't shifted this restless feeling, this need Magnus has to keep going and experience everything like this is his very last day. It could be. Alec's gentle reminders that even when immortal that was a risk, that the world they live in means either one of them could get hurt, or worse, does nothing to dull that feeling. Magnus feels exposed, raw, more vulnerable, in very different ways to any time he has in the past. It's like there is a target on his back that he has no way of removing, and every position he holds himself in makes him more visible to those who mean him harm.

It feels like everyone means him harm. Even Alec, whose frustration when Magnus won't let him hold him is starting to bristle along his skin, stealing the corners of his smile. Magnus can't look, and to avoid lashing out keeps on running, pulling out of his grasp before Alec gets too close. How long is he supposed to keep this up? How can he feel so torn between wanting to take all the comfort he knows Alec is offering and keep this facade up, that is fooling no one, to protect this sense of self he doesn't even recognize anymore? Magnus is lost, so lost, and though Alec and others are there to help guide him back again they can't, they don't know, they've never experienced what _this_ is like.

How can they know? They've never had their essence stolen from them. They've never had to give up all they are to help someone else; not like this. Magnus has barely said two words to Jace since it happened. Not because he blames him particularly, but if Jace ever bothers, ever manages to blurt out a rare, ungainly apology, Magnus doesn't think he'll be able hold his temper to set him right. He didn't do this for _Jace_ of all people. He didn't even particularly do this to help rid the world of Lilith. He did this for _Alec_ , because _Alec_ was falling apart with worry. It was the fear in Alec's eyes that led to Magnus making that decision to ask Asmodeus for help; even if he'd never have thought the consequences would lead to  _this_.

Magnus has made Alec whole again tearing himself to pieces in the process, and though he holds no blame for Alec for it, he doesn't yet trust himself not to let those thoughts out. It's frightening that he would give up everything he is for another person. It's terrifying that he has. Yet every morning he wakes with Alec reminds Magnus it's worth it. For several seconds. Until the terror of all he _isn't_ now comes seeping back in to suffocate him, and he's pulling away from him yet again.

Yet he won't let Alec reach him. Love him, kiss him, touch him, of course; Magnus can't deprive himself of that on top of everything else. But even in those most heartfelt of moments they share together, Magnus keeps a rigid hold on letting go too much. He wants to fall into his embrace, snuggle closer when Alec tries to hold him in the morning. He used to fall asleep on Alec's chest or with him curled around him, but now there is a cold space between them and Magnus can't settle for it. Can't relax too much because warmth will only seep into that coldness and then where will he be? Who will he be, when he finally breaks down, and truly lets Alec see who he is now? Or isn't? Magnus doesn't know, he doesn't feel like he knows anything. Only knows this fluttery feeling in his chest that tells him to keep going, keep running, keep _rushing_. Keep chasing these _moments_ like he'll one day run out of them. Which he _will_ now, that is inevitable.

Oh, how he wants to break down. Magnus wants to take Alec's hand, lead him through to their bedroom, and cry himself raw in his arms. He wants to scream himself hoarse at all the injustice he feels as Alec rubs his back, makes him tea, wipes his tears away without a single judgment; just as Magnus knows he will the moment he finally does break. But he can't yet, he's not ready, he's nowhere near ready for that. Magnus might know the other side of this anguish will be better, healthier for them both, and that he'll feel stronger for it. But when he gives in, lets Alec in, Magnus is terrified about what other walls might come down. What other memories and histories might come tumbling from his mouth that he'll no longer have the strength to hold on to. How exposed he'll then feel for revealing to Alec his literal all.

At the sound of Alec's footfall returning to the balcony where they're sharing a drink, Magnus sags with the weight of trying to keep himself together. His smile is false, feels like it might crack right off his face when he turns to Alec, that his kiss might be the thing to shatter him into more pieces than he knows how to put back together. And Alec knows this, and yet doesn't know. Knows to be patient, to wait, to be constantly here if Magnus needs him. Knows the words both to say and not say so Magnus can avoid the need to talk.

They'll get through this, like they get through everything else. His love for Alec is constant, one of the few things he can still anchor himself to. Magnus can feel the growing distance between them and keeps trying to fill it with all the love and affection he has for Alec. He can't fill it with _himself_ right now because he's lost himself in losing all that he is. But he will. Just a little longer, and he'll start feeling like himself again; whoever that is. Alec is patient for that, will wait for that; Magnus knows that he will.

"I love you," Alec says, when what he means is _I'm here for you, I'm waiting for you, I'll do whatever it takes to keep you safe, well, whole_.

"I love you too," Magnus replies, meaning _don't give up on me, please still want me, even if this is all I am now_. _I'm finding my way back; I just don't yet know how._

Alec moves as though to hug him, pulling back as though already knowing Magnus will flinch at his touch. Instead he squeezes his shoulder, leans in to kiss his cheek, then slots their fingers together and turns to look at the view over New York in silence by Magnus' side.

They have so many battles to fight. Jonathan Morgenstern is plotting who knows what, the Clave is finding new ways to oppress Downworlders in the name of _research_ , and Lorenzo is still the most ineffective High Warlock Magnus has ever known. There are difficult times coming, as there always are in their world; Magnus refuses to be _weak_ for any of it, even if there is so much less of himself now to give.

Alec loves him anyway, Magnus knows that he does, and soon he'll find a way to talk to him about this emptiness he's feeling. He owes him that much, to be open with him, to give Alec one less thing to be worrying about with everything that is happening around them. But Magnus needs a little longer; to lick his wounds, to figure out who he is, to understand where he now fits in this world. Magnus squeezes Alec's hand and when he looks tries to tell him everything without saying a word. Alec smiles back in understanding, nods as though to say he'll wait, he'll listen whenever Magnus is ready to talk.

 _Just a little longer_ , Magnus thinks, wishing he wasn't so aware of how much time he doesn't have left to give.


End file.
